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DESTROYER

by Efficax

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Alexander Francis-Palmer
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1.
mr.pissed 02:50
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Wanna hurt you in the ways you know Wanna be there with you like some ghost Over your shoulder a shadow in the past I was ready for the future but i wasn’t built to last. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Expired like the food that’s living in your fridge Hopeless in the idea of moving on I wanna change I wanna be who i am But im so haunted by the past by what i have done That ive done nothing Oh no, oh no, oh no. Taking pills and im changing my name Haven't told dad that i'm not the same as I was Here was just in town but only getting gas Maybe i'll send him a letter but it might be the last Im so scared Oh no, oh no, oh no. I told myself only the things i need I cut my arms just to watch me bleed I dont know what i deserve its not this I wanna wake up more happy mr.pissed Oh no, oh no, oh no. Im getting what i want.
2.
faaith 02:40
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calling on friends but im coming up short calling on family for some support dont know how ive been dont know how im doing got so much to get done guess i gotta get to it i dont wanna feel this anymore... dont have much since i dont have faith seems like you need it for hope these days things are looking bad but cant feel any worse taking my pills to break this curse i dont wanna feel this anymore... the highs and the lows all the things that we can be time we wasted at work 40 hours making money when i say that i love you dont you know that i mean it making all of these messes and ill be sure to clean it ill be sure to clean it.
3.
hatchet 03:04
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somethings calling summers coming to a swift end cant go on drawing lines in the sand bury the hatchet watch the fall come swift and clean wash away the sins from the father unto the childrens upbringing holding onto some piece of the puzzle I cant grasp pulling straws haunting memories of a past that I cant remember drowning pain in liquid gold head out the window moving towards the winters cold maybe theres some hope buried in places behind the brick praying to a casket or whatever they say is left I hope for forgiveness there was a time when i lost my way the words only mean so much when you have nothing good left to say. I cant be alone because I cant even breathe I spend every moment trying to be exactly what you need.
4.
try 03:24
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I wanna watch shitty tv with you I wanna wake up and do whatever is you want to I wanna make shitty dinner with you Wanna hear all about youre day and every word you have to say I wanna take silly pictures with you I wanna forget all of the bullshit and i know that this is worth it I wanna watch bad movies with you We can waste away all day as long as you are next to me i am okay. And when im feeling down on myself Just to hear that things are fine and i will be better in time Ill apologize for whatever you want I know that its been hard but i just want to be a part Of your life. I wanna watch you go to sleep I want to hear about your dreams. I know you try. And know i try
5.
o.t.p 03:00
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One trick pony I see you in my dreams One trick pony You can’t learn anything One trick pony Take my voice and sing One trick pony Oh please just make me bleed One trick pony You’ll find yourself one day One trick pony You should run away… One trick pony There’s nothing left to say One trick pony Can't leave but you can’t stay One trick pony Make a choice it’s time One trick pony Time to adapt or die.
6.
destroyer 03:54
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I wanna eat this earth destroy the good and the bad erase all of the hatred and every trace of the past im so sorry I hate this feeling just want a break destroyer, destroyer im so sorry i hate this feeling I just wanna end it all destroyer, destroyer I want this to be the last time how do I beat the curse that's stuck in my head how many pills do I have to take before there is nothing left im so sorry I hate this feeling just want to end it all destroyer, destroyer im so sorry I hate this feeling just wanna end it all destroyer, destroyer sing me a sweet song sing me to sleep tell me things will be better when I'm awake in the morning can't I have a new body cant I be someone else I cant do this all again im here destroying myself tell me all the good things you can see in my eyes read my all of the cards tell me how I might die. i wanna go back to when i didnt know you existed when things could be easy but instead its persistent these hands together pray to something above just wanna know theres a place where anything can be loved nothings going the right way still someplace i cant be wanna forget who i am and fucking end everything. im so sorry I hate this feeling just want to end it all destroyer, destroyer
7.
daughter 03:12
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holding out hands fill them up with the holy water faking like i understand truly am my mothers daughter but its christmas time again and ive been bad ive done some bad dont i know it ive been bad ive been bad lord knows it and he shows it...
8.
wolf 04:34
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call me when youre getting over all the things we used to do the name that you would call when youre down the one who said theyd always love you cause its been a couple years now and i guess that things have changed still have the heart that i was born with the person i am is still the same. everybody is a wolf everybody falls apart i know that i am no better just feel like i didnt start feeling anything at all feeling what its like to live only took a whole lifetime now i gotta live the rest of it tell me when youre feeling let down know im gone when you get home still sit around and wait till sun up to pick up the fucking phone might be different than you remember but i still love all of the same dumb shit hear the call of a shameful past moving further away from it everybody is a wolf and nobody is to blame i know that i am no better cant move on from all of the shame praying to feel something praying to wake up as me i was a kid laying in bed i knew the future was calling everybody is a wolf everybody is to blame i know that i am no better cant move on from all of the shame praying to feeling something praying to wake up as me i was a kid lying in bed i knew the future was calling.
9.
taking 03:54
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clocking in for the longest shift this week got so much to do got the dishes and laundry ive been going for so long its been a while ive been looking for who ive become see it in a smile things get better and things can change taking pieces want to rearrange im a new human being and i have all of these feelings taking over me. theyre taking over me... figuring out just what to wear the worlds so fucked up and i get scared of walking out the door im always looking in im stuck inside and im always thinking... theyre taking over me
10.
boyhood 04:26
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im looking back at how i spent those days blacking out a sea of glasses in front of me and were all laughing but im crying on the inside i cant stand im collapsing into her arms before falling into bed again and again... i got old friends but i dont hear them calling me anymore dont know who i am a couple do and im keeping them around cause i cant stand the loneliness that ive been feeling i cant stand punching holes in the wall till i get to the ceiling im not feeling quite the same im fearful of every last fucking thing cause ive done some bad things cause ive done things i regret like writing all those words all the things ive ever said the lies that i told and the shitty things i did in plain sight to relive them over again its boyhood its just boyhood its just boyhood youre growing into a man its boyhood its just boyhood its just boyhood youre growing into a man push it deep down push it deep down dont let it come out dont let it come out push it deep down push it deep down dont let it come out dont let it come out its just boyhood pranks the dumb things we regret adolescence pubescence i was making mistakes that i cant forget.
11.
happy 02:26
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i wanna swallow your heart eat it up into pieces till your skin is my skin and your eyes are my eyes wanna see how you see well try then well try. i wanna take all your love feel it down in my core till your hate is my hate and your blood is my blood wanna see how you are go from the start i would die a million deaths just for another few minutes where we lie hand in hand just wanna understand how does this story finish? happy endings are always bumming me out never ending on a realistic portion of doubt wish i could relate wish i was that girl so fucked up at the start but then gets the whole world...
12.
bouquet 01:52
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I wanna sit with you On a front porch Forget an anniversary Because it’s been so fucking long I wanna pet our cats Meet all of your friends Visit your parents Feeling your skin I want to be happier And I hope you want that to I wanna see you succeed In whatever it is you do Wanna see us get a dog Dressing up to get a drink Catching a bouquet At a friends wedding. I wanna stay with you Tell me not to leave Ill do whatever you say Wearing a heart on my sleeve I wanna stay with you Tell me not to go Watch the calendar hang itself While we grow old.
13.
good boy 03:50
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My mother said do what you will and its fine and father says "life is easy if you stay dead inside" Get a job and keep it on track Pay your bills ready for an attack Build a wall and keep it stacked high Give it a good ol' american try Be thankful for being alive And you’ll be a good boy living a good life. My mother by saddened by the news My father wants to think that it ain’t true I guess i'm finally seeing the truth Living with a set of my own virtues I learned from the things you said I tried doing just what you did Sorry that you had a fucked up kid Took 29 years not to feel like shit My sister didn’t know what to say My friends took the news real great Got support from the one that I love But I feel like shit over what it brought up I’m trying so hard to be good Going to bed when I should And the days bleed into the nights And we can’t turn these wrongs into rights. we cant turn the wrongs into rights be a good boy living a good life.

about

been working on this album the past year or so off and on. written through the first year of social transition, while Destroyer is full of darkness, the last year of writing and recording (and re-recording and reworking songs) has actually been one of the most genuinely happy times in my life. channeling those worries into music has been a creative outlet but finally feels fulfilling.

hopefully someone out there finds something to relate to in here.

credits

released November 18, 2022

written and recorded by Elle Gilliam

vocals and synth on faith, destroyer, daughter, wolf, boyhood by Angelique Newell

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Efficax Los Angeles, California

bedroom bullshit pt. ii

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