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Exile

by Efficax

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1.
frontin 02:04
I know that I can't go so I'm running I know that im getting old just frontin hope to god that its fine im tripping fucking people wanna die try living im trying living I know I've been wrong making all of it up try to find where I belong but im fucking it up staring out to watch the wind as it blows in the trees I just need to be okay im trying everything im trying everything nothings working its not working out... im just feeling kinda down im just feeling bad other times im okay sometimes im just sad its hard walking out the door its hard getting dressed who will I please today performing until death im performing...
2.
garden 03:54
here I am making dinner at 11pm again spend my nights wide awake and my mornings sleeping in how do I find the right words cowardice has run its course and I said all my prayers but I cant help but feel remorse maybe god would answer if I showed penance and kneeled but I know he's not out there its in the silence I feel its in the silence I feel and its all so unreal now there's three men in the corner and all eyes are on me feel god in this chilis she's saying on tv hiding bags under my eyes and a stash of fitting clothes wanna feel pretty wanna feel less alone my mother says she loves me my father I don't know haven't spoken in years I hope he's well and lets this go and I've been painting my eyes running red over these lips never felt like myself until I shed that skin like a snake in the garden I am the snake in the garden.
3.
body 03:43
there's a place that you can run to where all your dreams might come true and all the things you said you couldn't do fade away there's a place where we know your name everything will stay the same but your body it might change and its okay oh god its happening to me thought I was watching the tv god its happening to me thought I was looking at a screen god its happening to me I feel like I'm finally happy god its happening to me amidst the death so calming... there's a place where I can be hold myself up and feel free away from all of the bad things kept me from some sort of peace yeah I guess I made this bed full of thorns, rose petal red cutting deep into this skin let myself be born again oh god its happening to me thought I was watching the tv god its happening to me im looking up from the screen god its happening to me I finally feel something god its happening to me I see your face im screaming.
4.
miss 02:54
yesterdays pot of coffee dirty clothes dirty laundry standing as tall as I can somewhere between anxiety and bullshit im falling ive fallen getting screamed at by some stranger forgot how much these words hurt drown it out to take it in wanna disappear into the nothing. I call you out once tell you no twice saying im wrong but I know that im right.
5.
h2f 04:54
kill me maybe its what we just need change my name till it just feels right and all bad things fade from memory can you save me cause pentagrams and black masses sure ruined all my fucking chances hate me over broken promises from last year they feel so god damn clear to me. tell me one last time that everything is fine jumping in with open arms im finally finding my way reading letters never sent I didn't care about happiness but when I did I wouldn't give it up for the god damn world do you remember walking home? long nights drinking? remember praying? do you remember the feeling? remember feeling so alone im so sick and broken i can't breathe the coffin this dead space when im gone will I sleep alone still, your warm heart is right here next to me the warm blood in this cold heart, feels like death in me im crying im restless im hoping you get this I've been suffering here maybe I am happy somewhere some other place in memory a place where I don't have to grieve over shit from the past over shit im happy to forget im happy to forget the person I was im happy to move on see who ill become im smiling and happy I can't breathe the life I was scared is finally fufilling this cold heart with something it was always missing it was always missing out im crying im careless im hoping you hear this confession for my sins I can't believe I was hiding behind the things I couldn't see being the things I thought were me behind the face that I can't stand behind someone behind that man... behind the things I couldn't see behind the things I thought were me.

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released September 2, 2022

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Efficax Los Angeles, California

bedroom bullshit pt. ii

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